The Protector

Akins displays the trait of hyper-vigilance which means that he is holding vigil at all times about all things. In some cases it comes off pretty cute. Lorea was with him at Target - giving Mommy a moment of rest so it was just the two of them. They were in the shoe aisle and Akins was in the cart Lorea had walked about 1/2 way down the aisle away and was approached by a sales person. After answering questions about needing any help Lorea walked back to the cart and Akins begins to scold her for talking to a strange man (it was actually a woman) and that it is not safe. Part of this is good because he is getting the concept of stranger danger but unfortunately he does not apply these rules to himself yet will quickly apply them to everyone else. Even still it is pretty cute that he was being that protective.

The Birth Parents - Akins Interesting Tale

One of the things in the books I have been reading that is very consistent is to begin talking about the things that have caused the pain and thus the need for control as early as possible. The notion that a child needs to be old enough to understand is gone and studies have shown that kids do better with addressing the truth as it is not talking about what has happened that hurts them but what happened that already hurt them. Let's face it they know what happened it happened to them. My challenge has been I am finding opening conversations with a three year old complicated and compounding the matter is the very little information I have about him and his birth parents. Tonight an opportunity presented itself and so this is what came out.

Akins: Mommy you like green?
Mommy: Yes
Akins: Mommy you like yellow?
Mommy: I like all colors. I used to not like orange when I was a girl but I like orange now.
Akins: Why you not like orange?
Mommy: Well, because when I was a girl my daddy was being kind of bad and we lived in a house with orange carpet and I was mad a lot during that time and I think I blamed the orange carpet because I was mad at my daddy, but I'm not mad at my daddy anymore so now I like orange.
Akins: Your daddy dead?
Mommy: Yes
Akins: Why he dead?
Mommy: He got sick from something called lung cancer.
Akins: How he get sick?
Mommy: Well, he smoked a whole lot for a long time.
Akins: My cousins Mommy smoked somethings.
Mommy: Yes Amanda smokes. She needs to stop soon huh? (Amanda hint hint!)
Mommy: Do you remember your daddy?
Akins: I had two daddies
Mommy: You did? Was one the important man?
Akins: Yes, he go away but then he came back - my first daddy go away. The important man used to light a stick on fire and put it on people's head.
Mommy: Now why would he do that?
Akins: Because all the people are bad.
Mommy: What about your mommy - your first mommy in Africa? What happened to her?
Akins: She died (very matter of fact)
Lorea: Did someone tell you she died?
Akins: No.
Mommy: How do you know she died? Did you see her die?
Akins: Ahh yeah. She died on the grass.

Up to this point the story easily supports everything I do know which is so very little. Akins was found wandering alone in the streets of Paynesville a small town outside of Monrovia, by a woman who took him to the police. The police took him to an orphanage but it was a girls home so after 30 days they returned him to the police. The police man Joseph Sagbe who went by the name of Junior took him home with him for another month. After the month went by and he could not find Akins mother he took him to the AFAA orphanage house. Occasionally, he would come to the AFFA house to check on "Junior" the name they gave him in honor of the important man.

Akins: My Mommy died on the grass and the big bird came and took her away.
Mommy: Do you miss her?
Akins: No. (Now he suddenly wants to change the subject and begins pretending to read the TV Guide).
Mommy: You know it would be okay if you felt sad or angry because you missed your Mommy. I would understand that and it would not make me mad.


After a quick glance at my face and eyes he was back into play mode - conversation ended. It's a good first start on what will inevitably be a tough topic going forward and he was so clear.

More on Attachment Disorder

People who follow this blog have offered support and kind words. Others have expressed their deep interest in attachment issues, and some have thanked me for my candor on my feelings and Akins behaviors. Some have asked why. In an effort to address that question let me just say that this is Akins life story as I understand it and where attachment is concerned (as understand it) the more truths and knowns we share with him the more likely he is to heal from any hurt he suffered during those first three years of his life. That said I will continue to share as I learn so that one day he can understand the "journey" he has taken.

The other night I was reading as I do every night since I got a little wiser and realized I needed to get educated and fast. I wait for everyone to settle in and then I read. I am approaching the close of my second book on the attachment topic. On this particular night, I was feeling helpless, despite beginning to feel a bit enlightened as each page turned. I got to Chapter 8 Page 119 (a page I may need to re-read many times over) in a book called Big Steps for Little People - Parenting your Adopted Child. I read the following: em>>"By now your child is starting to settle. You have kept all of your promises to her and as a way of cementing your relationship have frequently brought this to her attention. She is fed and looked after each day and you are consistently meeting her needs. She has a good sense of what being a part of this family means. She is opening up to you and unconsciously beginning to recognize that she needs you. On the one hand she enjoys being with you and loves her new life, and on the other she is bombarding you with bad behaviour. Any honeymoon period you had is well and truly over. So if you have reached this stage of the process and are tearing your hair out. CONGRATULATIONS! You have created a safe environment for her to express her inner turmoil. She doesn't know it yet and wouldn't admit it if she did, but she is beginning to trust you". As I wept I read this page over and over again. I had known this instinctively and had even stated it but was never certain of it. I know we have a long road ahead. I have questions about how to deal with the unknowns around Akins birth parents that so far the books have not addressed. I know the other families are struggling with many of the same issues. I will not go into those specifics as they are not my story to share nor do they pertain to Akins story but as I read I think oh I need to share this page with X as they just dealt with this the other day. I am grateful for the friends I have met through this journey as at times I am quite certain they are the only ones who truly understand.

Oh what we don't know

Tonight at dinner Akins was singing some song he must have learned from daycare. In it he was singing something about an Alley Cat. Then he says "What's Alley Cat mean"? Okay, so now picture me trying to discribe an alley to him and then how cats live in the alley and eat trash and hang out. He says "how do they get in the trash"? I knew right then it was going to be a long conversation....

1st Fourth of July Celebration

Every year my sister Tammy brings some of the kids for the week over the 4th. This year was the same with a few additions. It was Akins first celebration and this time my niece Amanda came and brought her two daughters Aleyia and Haley. We spent the week eating (way too much), swimming until the sun was setting every day, riding the quads and dirt bikes and then on the evening of the 4th the everyone lines up while I play fire marshall and let off an aresonal of fireworks! Tammy called this morning from home and said the girls got up and told Amanda "we want to go swimming at Batteries" (read the previous post for clrification on this matter). Sorry girls you'll have to come back to swim!

Claudia playing with those things you throw on the ground that pop/snap

Shane getting in a last minute bonzai jump as the sun is going down

Landon, Shane, Aleyia and Tammy

Aleyia checking out the pool toys

Haley, Landon, Shane and Aleyia playing some game

Haley ready to make a BIG splash

Amanda kickin' it on the side of the pool after a visit to the tattoo parlor

Tammy giving Dolly some lovin'

Akins playing a game with the boys

Sssshhhhhh!

Laughing at whatever the game is

Grandma ridin' her pink donkey!

Claudia and Landon making the track on the quads

Lorea gettin' some air

Everyone start your engines

Grandma Betty, Battery, A Weed and Brother from the Other Mother

WHAT???

Okay, each year at the Fourth of July my sister Tammy comes down from South Dakota with her daughter and her grandchildren. Long story, but let's just say Tammy had an unexpected child late in life and so she has grandchildren nearly the same age as her youngest daughter. Confused... it's okay, most of the time I am too. Anyway, Tammy's oldest daughter Amanda - mother to Aleyia, Haley and Landon came along with all three kids in tow (Landon has come for several years but this is the first trip for Amanda and the girls). Shane is the son of my nephew Travis and he also comes each year as well. So, head count....with Lorea, Akins, Mom and me there are 11 here right now. Now that we have set the stage here's the story.

My youngest great neice Haley has just turned four so real close in age to Akins. Now, imagine you are a four year old who has only met her Great Aunt and Great Grandmother a few times. Then think about an adopted cousin and another lady with a really unusual name like Lorea and who knows where she fits in to this whole picture. Okay, it goes about like this...

Haley to Tammy "Is Grandma Betty going swimming"? (This would be my mom Joyce - who the heck is Betty)

Haley to Amanda "Where's Battery"? (that would be me, Valerie)

Haley to Amanda "Where's my brother"? (speaking of Akins)

Landon "Yeah brother from the "other mother".

Haley to Valerie "Where's A Weed? (I assume Akins - and reply "He's over there riding his bike")

Haley to Valerie "No - A Weed? (okay I'll try again - "Do you mean Lorea? She's in the house"?

Haley - "Oh" (guess I was right, still not quite sure)

Haley to Amanda "Mom where is A Weed"?
Amanda "What? Who"? (Lorea enters the room)
Haley "Oh" and walks away (mystery solved A Weed = Lorea)

This kid is clearly confused!

Attachment Disorder - What's the Deal???

This is a long read but hopefully one that will help explain some of the odd posts lately. Okay, let me first say I feel foolish in that I spent a year and a half agonizing over when would my son come home, preparing the house, decorating, fantasizing and not spending my time preparing for what will I do with him once he gets here. In hindsight I would do things MUCH differently. I would read books, go to seminars and talk to MANY other adoptive parents who had already brought their kids home. We are one of the lucky families. We had the joy that many do not get of an adoption "honeymoon" period. The first 5 - 6 months were really quite good! Unfortunately, this falsely led me to believe all was well with Akins.

So, attachment disorder... I have been reading LOTS - and there are many books about why - I got that part, he was starved, abandoned several times, possibly after witnessing his parents deaths and then thrust into the arms of a stranger in the middle of the night (me); there are few books about what to do. The why however is greater than one would think. The obvious already stated, everyone pretty much gets. But, one theory that makes a good deal of sense to me is about the bond with the biological mother. A bond that can not and will not ever be replicated or replaced. A bond that is damaging to the child whether the child is removed from the mother at birth or much later. One might ask how can this be if the child was never nurtured by the mother? The theory is that the bond is actually developed in the womb. So, 40 weeks of bonding, thus even severed at birth without any contact results in attachment disorder. Memories of that mother and her feel can not be replaced and are always present intrinsically. Okay, so that makes sense right? Now what the hell do we do about the following - because these are the symptoms of attachment disorder and Akins suits ALL of them. I have inserted some examples in each.

Symptoms

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger (over the smallest of things, what to eat, what to wear, I don't want to take a bath I want a shower, I don't like those shoes I want these, on and on it goes).
•Resists affection on parental terms (this is only beginning now with the honeymoon over - demands affection on his terms - I want a kissy right now - I'm driving I can't - freak out ensues).
•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying (full on lies and stares into your eyes, yet when we need for him to hear something and understand we say look into my eyes and he will avoid at all costs to the extent of rolling his eyes into the back of his head)
•Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging (people absolutely love him, he is endearing and engaging to strangers, manipulates nearly every situation, it is unbelievable at his age how skillful he is at this.)
•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers (at first I thought this was cute - he would run up and hug a stranger - a man at the gas station, the guy at office depot etc. this is however the thing that worries me the most because of stranger danger he has no concept, this is also that flirtatious thing I have written about before which I thought was so cute)
•Poor peer relationships - (won't say they are poor but non-existent, he plays mostly alone and he can't remember his classmates names)
•Steals - (this is not often but he has taken things from school - less often so some progress being made here)
•Lies about the obvious (totally can be busted redhanded and then lies usually blaming on the dogs, Lorea or whatever, will only cop to it if given the option of "was it an accident")
•Lack of conscience - shows no remorse - (this was true in the beginning he would do things to the dogs and kind of giggle about it now he does not do it and seems to care if they get hurt. But, he does not appear to feel bad about his bad behavior)
•Destructive to property, self and/or others (mostly self - will hit himself on the head or face, but also will hit and kick the seats in the car, or hit the walls and door, will kick or push against me and Lorea when we are trying to control him)
•Lack of impulse control - (incredibly so - touches everything in any place we go, tell him no and two seconds later he is at it again)
•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive - (constantly on the go and NO SUGAR or it gets much worse - the vigilance is more than the active though - in that he will not stop even when the consequences are big)
•Learning lags/delays - (can not retain things, like ABC's, 123 but is super smart)•Speech and language problems - (resorts to baby talk and often can not find his words)
•Incessant chatter and/or questions -(this one is almost unbearable at times, says Mommy-O for no reason then makes up some nonesene to fill the reason for acting like he has a question to ask. This is described in some of the books as a way to control every conversation - he is constantly interrupting but really has nothing to say. He also needs to be in every conversation constantly asking what are you talking about - also shared in a book)
•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy - (the clingy is unbelievable specifically with me)
•Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food (he has done every one of these, is fearful if he does not eat all of his food, has eaten many bugs, oddly mixes his foods together in weird ways, was hiding food in the beginning)
•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil - (we do not let him watch anything like this but he often responds to situations like this "I will kick it, stomping, kill it, string it to a tree and light it one fire").
•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts - (flips out on a scratch but yet never even complained when he had surgeries - did not want the area touched but did not whine or cry about it).
*Parents appear hostile and angry - (yep that fits us)
*The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life - (yep all of the above)

Now what to do about it? I am reading a book right now that talks about what worked for one family who adopted two boys. It is called Big Steps for Little People. It has a lot of helpful tips and although the boys in it are older than Akins which means some of the tips can not be applied I am finding tools with which to arm myself. I am also finding some answers as to why some of the kids act on some of the behaviors. Like the eye contact. The older boy in this book said that he was unable to make eye contact because he knew that they would see just how "bad" he really was. Keep in mind the child believes that it is something that he/she did that caused the biological mother to go away. Beleived to be true in nearly ever case - in one book the writer interviewed 100's of adoptees and they all said the same thing. So we have begun to tell Akins that we want to see in his eyes because that is where we find his good. Yesterday, for the first time he looked at Lorea briefly. It's a start!