The Birth Parents - Akins Interesting Tale

One of the things in the books I have been reading that is very consistent is to begin talking about the things that have caused the pain and thus the need for control as early as possible. The notion that a child needs to be old enough to understand is gone and studies have shown that kids do better with addressing the truth as it is not talking about what has happened that hurts them but what happened that already hurt them. Let's face it they know what happened it happened to them. My challenge has been I am finding opening conversations with a three year old complicated and compounding the matter is the very little information I have about him and his birth parents. Tonight an opportunity presented itself and so this is what came out.

Akins: Mommy you like green?
Mommy: Yes
Akins: Mommy you like yellow?
Mommy: I like all colors. I used to not like orange when I was a girl but I like orange now.
Akins: Why you not like orange?
Mommy: Well, because when I was a girl my daddy was being kind of bad and we lived in a house with orange carpet and I was mad a lot during that time and I think I blamed the orange carpet because I was mad at my daddy, but I'm not mad at my daddy anymore so now I like orange.
Akins: Your daddy dead?
Mommy: Yes
Akins: Why he dead?
Mommy: He got sick from something called lung cancer.
Akins: How he get sick?
Mommy: Well, he smoked a whole lot for a long time.
Akins: My cousins Mommy smoked somethings.
Mommy: Yes Amanda smokes. She needs to stop soon huh? (Amanda hint hint!)
Mommy: Do you remember your daddy?
Akins: I had two daddies
Mommy: You did? Was one the important man?
Akins: Yes, he go away but then he came back - my first daddy go away. The important man used to light a stick on fire and put it on people's head.
Mommy: Now why would he do that?
Akins: Because all the people are bad.
Mommy: What about your mommy - your first mommy in Africa? What happened to her?
Akins: She died (very matter of fact)
Lorea: Did someone tell you she died?
Akins: No.
Mommy: How do you know she died? Did you see her die?
Akins: Ahh yeah. She died on the grass.

Up to this point the story easily supports everything I do know which is so very little. Akins was found wandering alone in the streets of Paynesville a small town outside of Monrovia, by a woman who took him to the police. The police took him to an orphanage but it was a girls home so after 30 days they returned him to the police. The police man Joseph Sagbe who went by the name of Junior took him home with him for another month. After the month went by and he could not find Akins mother he took him to the AFAA orphanage house. Occasionally, he would come to the AFFA house to check on "Junior" the name they gave him in honor of the important man.

Akins: My Mommy died on the grass and the big bird came and took her away.
Mommy: Do you miss her?
Akins: No. (Now he suddenly wants to change the subject and begins pretending to read the TV Guide).
Mommy: You know it would be okay if you felt sad or angry because you missed your Mommy. I would understand that and it would not make me mad.


After a quick glance at my face and eyes he was back into play mode - conversation ended. It's a good first start on what will inevitably be a tough topic going forward and he was so clear.

More on Attachment Disorder

People who follow this blog have offered support and kind words. Others have expressed their deep interest in attachment issues, and some have thanked me for my candor on my feelings and Akins behaviors. Some have asked why. In an effort to address that question let me just say that this is Akins life story as I understand it and where attachment is concerned (as understand it) the more truths and knowns we share with him the more likely he is to heal from any hurt he suffered during those first three years of his life. That said I will continue to share as I learn so that one day he can understand the "journey" he has taken.

The other night I was reading as I do every night since I got a little wiser and realized I needed to get educated and fast. I wait for everyone to settle in and then I read. I am approaching the close of my second book on the attachment topic. On this particular night, I was feeling helpless, despite beginning to feel a bit enlightened as each page turned. I got to Chapter 8 Page 119 (a page I may need to re-read many times over) in a book called Big Steps for Little People - Parenting your Adopted Child. I read the following: em>>"By now your child is starting to settle. You have kept all of your promises to her and as a way of cementing your relationship have frequently brought this to her attention. She is fed and looked after each day and you are consistently meeting her needs. She has a good sense of what being a part of this family means. She is opening up to you and unconsciously beginning to recognize that she needs you. On the one hand she enjoys being with you and loves her new life, and on the other she is bombarding you with bad behaviour. Any honeymoon period you had is well and truly over. So if you have reached this stage of the process and are tearing your hair out. CONGRATULATIONS! You have created a safe environment for her to express her inner turmoil. She doesn't know it yet and wouldn't admit it if she did, but she is beginning to trust you". As I wept I read this page over and over again. I had known this instinctively and had even stated it but was never certain of it. I know we have a long road ahead. I have questions about how to deal with the unknowns around Akins birth parents that so far the books have not addressed. I know the other families are struggling with many of the same issues. I will not go into those specifics as they are not my story to share nor do they pertain to Akins story but as I read I think oh I need to share this page with X as they just dealt with this the other day. I am grateful for the friends I have met through this journey as at times I am quite certain they are the only ones who truly understand.

Oh what we don't know

Tonight at dinner Akins was singing some song he must have learned from daycare. In it he was singing something about an Alley Cat. Then he says "What's Alley Cat mean"? Okay, so now picture me trying to discribe an alley to him and then how cats live in the alley and eat trash and hang out. He says "how do they get in the trash"? I knew right then it was going to be a long conversation....

1st Fourth of July Celebration

Every year my sister Tammy brings some of the kids for the week over the 4th. This year was the same with a few additions. It was Akins first celebration and this time my niece Amanda came and brought her two daughters Aleyia and Haley. We spent the week eating (way too much), swimming until the sun was setting every day, riding the quads and dirt bikes and then on the evening of the 4th the everyone lines up while I play fire marshall and let off an aresonal of fireworks! Tammy called this morning from home and said the girls got up and told Amanda "we want to go swimming at Batteries" (read the previous post for clrification on this matter). Sorry girls you'll have to come back to swim!

Claudia playing with those things you throw on the ground that pop/snap

Shane getting in a last minute bonzai jump as the sun is going down

Landon, Shane, Aleyia and Tammy

Aleyia checking out the pool toys

Haley, Landon, Shane and Aleyia playing some game

Haley ready to make a BIG splash

Amanda kickin' it on the side of the pool after a visit to the tattoo parlor

Tammy giving Dolly some lovin'

Akins playing a game with the boys

Sssshhhhhh!

Laughing at whatever the game is

Grandma ridin' her pink donkey!

Claudia and Landon making the track on the quads

Lorea gettin' some air

Everyone start your engines