Attachment Disorder - What's the Deal???

This is a long read but hopefully one that will help explain some of the odd posts lately. Okay, let me first say I feel foolish in that I spent a year and a half agonizing over when would my son come home, preparing the house, decorating, fantasizing and not spending my time preparing for what will I do with him once he gets here. In hindsight I would do things MUCH differently. I would read books, go to seminars and talk to MANY other adoptive parents who had already brought their kids home. We are one of the lucky families. We had the joy that many do not get of an adoption "honeymoon" period. The first 5 - 6 months were really quite good! Unfortunately, this falsely led me to believe all was well with Akins.

So, attachment disorder... I have been reading LOTS - and there are many books about why - I got that part, he was starved, abandoned several times, possibly after witnessing his parents deaths and then thrust into the arms of a stranger in the middle of the night (me); there are few books about what to do. The why however is greater than one would think. The obvious already stated, everyone pretty much gets. But, one theory that makes a good deal of sense to me is about the bond with the biological mother. A bond that can not and will not ever be replicated or replaced. A bond that is damaging to the child whether the child is removed from the mother at birth or much later. One might ask how can this be if the child was never nurtured by the mother? The theory is that the bond is actually developed in the womb. So, 40 weeks of bonding, thus even severed at birth without any contact results in attachment disorder. Memories of that mother and her feel can not be replaced and are always present intrinsically. Okay, so that makes sense right? Now what the hell do we do about the following - because these are the symptoms of attachment disorder and Akins suits ALL of them. I have inserted some examples in each.

Symptoms

•Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger (over the smallest of things, what to eat, what to wear, I don't want to take a bath I want a shower, I don't like those shoes I want these, on and on it goes).
•Resists affection on parental terms (this is only beginning now with the honeymoon over - demands affection on his terms - I want a kissy right now - I'm driving I can't - freak out ensues).
•Lack of eye contact, especially with parents - will look into your eyes when lying (full on lies and stares into your eyes, yet when we need for him to hear something and understand we say look into my eyes and he will avoid at all costs to the extent of rolling his eyes into the back of his head)
•Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging (people absolutely love him, he is endearing and engaging to strangers, manipulates nearly every situation, it is unbelievable at his age how skillful he is at this.)
•Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers (at first I thought this was cute - he would run up and hug a stranger - a man at the gas station, the guy at office depot etc. this is however the thing that worries me the most because of stranger danger he has no concept, this is also that flirtatious thing I have written about before which I thought was so cute)
•Poor peer relationships - (won't say they are poor but non-existent, he plays mostly alone and he can't remember his classmates names)
•Steals - (this is not often but he has taken things from school - less often so some progress being made here)
•Lies about the obvious (totally can be busted redhanded and then lies usually blaming on the dogs, Lorea or whatever, will only cop to it if given the option of "was it an accident")
•Lack of conscience - shows no remorse - (this was true in the beginning he would do things to the dogs and kind of giggle about it now he does not do it and seems to care if they get hurt. But, he does not appear to feel bad about his bad behavior)
•Destructive to property, self and/or others (mostly self - will hit himself on the head or face, but also will hit and kick the seats in the car, or hit the walls and door, will kick or push against me and Lorea when we are trying to control him)
•Lack of impulse control - (incredibly so - touches everything in any place we go, tell him no and two seconds later he is at it again)
•Hypervigilant/Hyperactive - (constantly on the go and NO SUGAR or it gets much worse - the vigilance is more than the active though - in that he will not stop even when the consequences are big)
•Learning lags/delays - (can not retain things, like ABC's, 123 but is super smart)•Speech and language problems - (resorts to baby talk and often can not find his words)
•Incessant chatter and/or questions -(this one is almost unbearable at times, says Mommy-O for no reason then makes up some nonesene to fill the reason for acting like he has a question to ask. This is described in some of the books as a way to control every conversation - he is constantly interrupting but really has nothing to say. He also needs to be in every conversation constantly asking what are you talking about - also shared in a book)
•Inappropriately demanding and/or clingy - (the clingy is unbelievable specifically with me)
•Food issues - hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food (he has done every one of these, is fearful if he does not eat all of his food, has eaten many bugs, oddly mixes his foods together in weird ways, was hiding food in the beginning)
•Fascinated with fire, blood, gore, weapons, evil - (we do not let him watch anything like this but he often responds to situations like this "I will kick it, stomping, kill it, string it to a tree and light it one fire").
•Very concerned about tiny hurts but brushes off big hurts - (flips out on a scratch but yet never even complained when he had surgeries - did not want the area touched but did not whine or cry about it).
*Parents appear hostile and angry - (yep that fits us)
*The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life - (yep all of the above)

Now what to do about it? I am reading a book right now that talks about what worked for one family who adopted two boys. It is called Big Steps for Little People. It has a lot of helpful tips and although the boys in it are older than Akins which means some of the tips can not be applied I am finding tools with which to arm myself. I am also finding some answers as to why some of the kids act on some of the behaviors. Like the eye contact. The older boy in this book said that he was unable to make eye contact because he knew that they would see just how "bad" he really was. Keep in mind the child believes that it is something that he/she did that caused the biological mother to go away. Beleived to be true in nearly ever case - in one book the writer interviewed 100's of adoptees and they all said the same thing. So we have begun to tell Akins that we want to see in his eyes because that is where we find his good. Yesterday, for the first time he looked at Lorea briefly. It's a start!

New carpet

Over the weekend we went carpet shopping and who would think carpet would rock a kid's world so much. He loved the idea of it but really wanted PINK carpet. We had to pry to pink carpet sample out of his hands. I promised he could have pink flowers in a vase if he let us put a better color in his room. Finally, he conceded. But, all of this carpet business lead to a very heavy day. Grandma was present for the first time to see a true melt down. After an hour of flipping out things finally settled again and so I have bought a half a dozen books and now I read and read trying to come to terms with his demons and anxiety drivers. I have to travel next week four 4 days - not good as this to ramps up the stress. So, as I learn I will share. I know at times others considering adoption read this blog and perhaps what I learn can help someone else. It's a new week and things are pretty calm. The new carpet is in and we are settling back in - the biggest stress now is he is certain all of his stuff is missing. Of course it is not but if he can not find it lickety split then things get a little undone.